If You're Curious...

Truthfully, blogging started out as curiosity in designing web pages and essentially just playing around.  Stemming from a love of desktop publishing (which I know only a tad bit about and only self-learned), I tried out a template and discovered a wonderful thing...writing thoughts and feelings out on "cloud" paper was liberating and stirred that quickening of spirit to share our Creator in any way I could.  

The urge to write comes in spurts...to deliberately sit down to write eludes me for I have no art, only emptiness when nothing comes from the heart that demands the keyboard to strike.  Every post I believe to be my last, because I have seen my feeble attempts to invent an honorable subject.  

But the love of God and His faithfulness do not leave me stilled. My heart is stirred and the hope that sharing will be beneficial to others in some small way is born.  God's love is contagious!

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:6 - ESV)

I confess that in my many years on this earth, I have failed more times than I can remember to reflect His light.  I have passed up many opportunities to share Jesus...being unprepared or afraid of being rebuffed or simply unworthy... none of which is an excuse. 

If I have passed by you in neglect, then I am truly sorry.  The soul is precious and must be nurtured and preserved for His purpose. Every soul is cherished by the Lord.

If by chance any of my words cause your heart to turn toward the loving Father, then a little light has pierced the darkness and the glory of God fills both our souls! 

Caregiver Tears

Just as the waves come rolling onto shore, the pull of the current recedes, vanishing with a few thousand grains of sand.  Some days the sea is calmer, the water clearer, and much less frantic.  Life slows, maintains and rests.  But never to be forgotten, the waves return, erosion is inevitable and damage is calculated by units of measure that go back to the beginning of time.

So it is with dementia.

My sweet Millie

Gradually, dementia's waves erode and destroy, and no matter the effort of stabilization, one's essence is bit by bit scattered, as the sands in the seas. The good days are good but scattered with minutes to hours of vagueness and apathy.

Caregiver, there are no words of comfort to give you, no one to take your place.  For you are on a journey with your loved one you could never imagine.  Normalcy is gone forever.  Another version now and another version later.  

The ups and down of life are for each to traverse, to experience, to find joy or grief.  The one constant in life is the Savior, the Father and Holy Spirit.  For He is always with us, ready to listen and sympathize and give you peace.

Find His peace and find it again.  Stay as long as you can and know Him.  For He alone can give you the assurance of seeing your loved ones again.  He alone loves more than you.

Sure, It's Christmas 2020

Christmas movies are back to back, and are run back to back.  The stories are sweet but difficult, the endings are predictable and happiness prevails!

The tree is beautiful to me, and lights are everything!  Had I been years younger, with lots of energy, every single bush would be afire with the brightest of lights, pushing love and welcoming outward to everyone who passes the house.  It is the season of lights, and the season of joy, love, compassion, hope and forgiveness.

It is laughter, hugs and kisses with family and friends alike.  It is precious and predictable and pleasurable!  With sweet memories of loved ones no longer present, the grandchildren's excitement give us new memories to feast on.

But it is the light, the brilliant or subtle brightness, the sacred whiteness or the joy of color.  Why does lightness beckon us, invite us, heighten our joy and anticipation?

We are hard-wired to search for pureness, for holiness, and for God!  And why not?  He created us, He's guided us for eons, He's always there for us, and all we have to do is search Him out!   

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.  I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live;  also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.  (Ecclesiastes 3:11-13 ESV)

 

The memories keep flooding my mind, making me smile, making me laugh.

From early on, being my friend and providing space to grow my business...later, moving me to the library when he needed his space back! 😃

Remembering the many hours of testimony taken in legal cases and the amazing extent of his knowledge and expertise.

Remembering how he introduced me to snow skiing in the Rocky Mountains.  Remembering after two days of ski school, he took me to the top of the mountain, assuring me that the treacherous slopes we were passing as we rode the ski lift were NOT the slopes we would ski down.  (Duh!! Only one way down!)

Beware the polished skier who finds humor in seeing you crash and burn!

Remembering countless nights of dinner or simply an impromptu visit, when he would leave his wife, my friend, to stay and talk far into the night.  He knew she was in good hands.

Remembering him buying a new car and later driving it to the highest hill to listen to music blaring from the new speakers.  Or better yet, years before, driving up in a van...with music blaring from the speakers!  Apartment neighbors aside, it was fun for me! 😉

Tom enjoyed life!

Remembering a blazing fireplace in a restaurant in Colorado and listening to Tom recite the history of Steamboat Springs.  Tom's humor was never so evident as when he ad-libbed a hysterical list of events flowing endlessly from that brainy brain!

The memories are endless.  I cannot do him justice.  I love you, Tom Hardin, and may God hold you close!

Thomas Wesley Hardin

October 3, 1944 - December 11, 2016

 

  

Power in Me

There are churning waves of fire in the deepest parts, angrily pushing upward to its freedom.  It cannot be denied, nor can it be quenched.  The eruption is dramatic, full of fury and power, and the sheer magnitude of its force is agonizingly beautiful, powerful...and dreadful.

The tulip root, having been secured in its depth, now pushes upward, producing a burst of color and delicacy in its petals, and the result is beautiful and calming, easy on the eyes.

Two forces, two results, and the mystery of both are equal but with opposite influence...one producing fear and the other peace.

Rumblings and rumors of war appear again on the horizon, this time with higher capacity to kill and destroy.  Fear raises its head and bellows its power!

Political backlash and demoralizing chatter fill our ears and sight as all media are consumed with the power of influence.  Our own leaders battle, and hateful division consumes social media.  Misplaced power corrodes the simple but embellishes the wicked. 

"It brings out the untraveled circumstances which no one has experienced before and no one knows the outcome." ~ T. Brewer

The divide among races seem to loom large again, the breach wider and just as painful, just as ugly.  The power of injustice wields a flogging that reaches beyond the victim, eventually bringing the inequity home.    

Hatred is powerful.

Hatred is fear.

And we, the children of God stand in the middle of chaos and why do we fear?

What if we stopped envisioning color, or lack thereof, but filled our sight with a valuable, lovable soul created and loved by the Lord?  The power would then be God's.

What if we used reasoning, supported by love, to discuss calmly differences and beliefs?  What if we honestly cared about others?

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels.  And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness.  God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.  ~ 2 Cor. 2:23-26

What if we lived and spoke what we believe, with faith strong and secure, loving our neighbor as ourselves, letting the Word be our whole being, our ultimate power?

What if we loved like God loves?

Oh, then the Power would be in me! 

Unlovable

The deepest hurt can follow you throughout a lifetime.  Without thought or intention, you instinctively push down the hurt over and over, hoping the squashing will somehow destroy memories, will erase, will smother any emotions associated with it.

And you go on.

The years pass and the hurt is always there just waiting to surface and consume.  You finally realize how that hurt, that one hurt, has affected your entire life.  

Feeling inadequate, outside the circle, always desperate to fit in, to be liked...to be included...to be accepted, you put on your mask and assume an air of some kind of normal.  But normal is what you are not.  You left that long ago.

Reaching above yourself, you strive to accomplish a life of worth.  A plastered smile on your face, you cover up the hurt done to your psyche and you try to leave it behind.  But like a bite too large to swallow, your throat constricted and in pain, keeping the distasteful past tamped down gets harder and harder.

And no one knows.  But God.

But trust in God had been replaced.  A conviction that you've developed on your own, that the reality is you are a damaged, broken and shattered being that no one can love...no, not even God.

Perhaps a rule of life or not, something eventually triggers the deepest prison of your heart and you cannot tamp down any longer.  Emotions spill out and you sob out the secret, the root of your misery...and even though you have whimpered your sadness to God many times, sharing aloud this dark part of your life is soul cleansing!

The most difficult part of sharing your past is realizing what you believed to be forgiveness on your part is in truth lacking or even false.  Forgiveness is essential for letting go of the past, even if the hurt has led you down difficult and yes, sinful, life.  Forgiveness for yourself, forgiveness for the one or ones who inflicted your pain and damaged your self-worth is difficult to achieve but necessary.  It is in forgiveness that you can truthfully go before the Lord, believing that He is the only source of your self-worth...oh, what freedom comes with that realization!

"God can use anyone’s situation, but He uses you to the fullest when you let go of the past.”

(Christa Bassettt; Isa. 43:18-19)

May God forgive me for not forgiving earlier, for not using my sorrow in a way to show His light, His goodness, His love, His GRACE!  For not admitting to the world that I have no worth in myself, but only through Jesus Christ who makes me the worthiest person of all...being God's child!

Footnote:

An article surfaced today that stuck home and worth reading for everyone.  Go to www.annvoskamp.com and search for the article entitled "When God Calls You Out of Hiding" by  guest writer, Michelle DeRusha.  May we all answer God's calling!

The Cross Unto Resurrection

Witnessing the event was sickening, unbelievable and devastating.  Never once did we conceive of the idea he would be killed...suffering a horrendous death and then buried in a tomb not even his own.

    The hours dragged by, and some of us fled because we could bear it no more.  Watching the sweat and blood pour from his body, crying out for relief from His Father.  He was to be King, our Deliverer.  And it has come to this?

    And then his words echoed in our ears:

“And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matt. 10:38-39)

    His cross?  This cross?  The one before us set between two criminals, the wooden beast made of humiliation and shame?  My Lord, don’t you know I love you?  Is it necessary that I die for you?  My Lord, do you ask too much of me?

    And then came that terrifying moment when “Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.”
    Hope was gone.  All was lost.  And the longest night of our lives had begun.
  
    Our bewilderment came the next morning, when the women found his borrowed tomb empty!  And later, witnessing Jesus Himself walking, talking, eating and showing the wounds on his hands and side!
    Once again, His words returned,

    “From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised.” (Matt. 16:21)

    Oh, my Lord, how did we not understand?  We...no!  I was too concerned about setting up your kingdom and how it should be!  I wondered where I would stand, where I would sit when you took your rightful throne of power.

    Oh, yes, I heard your words, yet did not understand.  I witnessed, yet did not know.  When I could finally fit the pieces together, I grieved for your presence; I sobbed for another chance to sit at your feet to listen and learn.



    Forgive my doubting, my Lord, forgive my selfishness and my fears.  Know, Lord, that I will follow you even unto death.  I will praise your name, I will proclaim your sacrifice and salvation, and I will not rest until I have done your will.  I will take your cross, Lord, and bear it gladly.  For you are my savior, my redeemer, the holy lamb of God!